Fandoms
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If I can recommend you do 1 low-effort thing for the love of God it is this:
Keep 5 cards in your pocket. One will say “yes”, the second will say “no.”
If you lose your voice, or lose speech, or want to make a dramatic embellishment at the right time, it is an elegant and efficient solution that is right there at hand.
But what if people question you from there? “Why do you have that card? Why would you do this? How long have you had that in your pocket?” For this, or whatever else they say, the third card: “I don’t have a card for that.”
“What the fuck,” they ask. They laugh. They are bemused. You bring the energy back down with the fourth card: “I have laryngitis. I’ve lost speech. My throat hurts”. Whatever you expect to occur.
The joke is over. Rule of threes. Now they are curious. YThey wonder about logistics. “How did you know I would say that? Is everyone so predictable?”
As a three-part bit, nobody ever sees the fifth card coming.
“I have powerful wizard magics.”
Gets them every time
On it boss!!
[id: a set of 5 UNO cards upon which has been written, “Yes”, “no”, “I don’t have a card for that”, “can’t talk right now 😢”, and “I have powerful wizard magics 🙂”. End id]
(via dittolicous)
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Going from being an introverted lurker on reddit to trying to post my own stuff here is so wild. I keep typing out a post, deleting it, then retyping because I think it’s not good enough but then I look at other posts and why am I so worried?
It’s like I’m at a fancy Italian restaurant and keep glancing around the room to see which hand people use to pick up the forks. But then I realize that everyone is shoveling spaghetti into their mouths using their bare hands and I’m like ah okay so I’m clearly overthinking this
This restaurant is absolute chaos and I’m giving it 5 stars
(via ardenrosegarden)
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OP disabled reblogs but it needs to be known
🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🟥Sleigh ride!
🤺
🙎Nothing personal, kid
🤺🔫🕵♂️Vengeance!
🧍🧍♂️🧍🧍♂️🧍🚋oh no watch out for the trolley!!!
(via swati-art)
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The Unapologetic Self as the Truest form of Self
[source]
THIS IS THE EXACT COMIC I WAS THINKING OF WHEN I MADE THIS BUT I COULDNT FIND IT! BLESS YOU!
(via alwaysyourqueen)
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It however does not cast Social Services in a bad light. Cobra Bubbles does a lot to try to keep Lilo in Nani’s custody and I hate how overlooked that is. He legit shows remorse when he does try to take Lilo, which he only did because of her very reasonibly alarming phone call and the destruction of their house.
Point is they didn’t make social services into a heartless judgy entitythey actually made a good point about how a system originally designed to be consistent and fair can also lack the sensitivity and flexibility needed to deal with complex situations. this is shown both when Stitch is labeled a monster and when Nani is judged for not being able to earn a living and constantly watch Lilo at the same time. Neither happened because the people making the calls were cruel–Bubbles and the Grand Councilwoman seem to mean well, but both were expected to make judgments very quickly by their organizations… and both used loopholes to make kinder, fairer decisions for our heroes.
Let’s note that those decisions and loopholes included allowing Jamba and Pleakly to move in with Nani and Lilo, thus giving her some additional support (no matter how dubious) in maintaining the household and caring for Lilo.
(via dittolicous)
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I hate that I laughed at this
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” and another one appears. And dodges the downward sweep of claws, darting to the side, bouncing off the pentagram’s barriers, and tripping over the demon’s tail. “In the Vatican!” she cries out as she moves, using the State Farm Agent summoning charm to modify the situation as she was taught, and mentally thanking her trainer for expecting her to be fast enough to do it on the first incantation.
Most State Farm agents, when they run into trouble, have to get the customer to do the jingle a second time. That guy with the buffalo was lucky.
The magic takes hold, and she materializes in the aisle of St. Peter’s Basilica, still holding the demon by the tail, in the middle of Sunday morning Mass. The music clatters unprofessionally to a halt as laypeople, deacons, priests, monks, nuns, and the Pope all turn their attention to the surprised demon whose fifth course of dinner has turned, unaccountably, into a visit to one of his least favorite places on Earth.
There is chanting in Latin, and vaguely cross-shaped gestures, and clouds of incense, and the demon vanishes in a puff of smoke, whether from the efforts of the clergy or of his own volition no one can say. The Agent doesn’t wait, fleeing towards the doors and escaping in the confusion.
She gains the exit and walks, purposefully, toward Rome proper; there, she ducks into the nearest alley. A burner cell phone comes out of one of the less-used pockets of her purse, and she dials a number from memory.
“Allstate,” says a smooth masculine voice after three rings.
“State Farm,” she answers. “I’m calling in a favor.”
“Yeah?” Interest. “What sort?”
As she talks she’s pulling out her smartphone, keying an app that was activated by the summoning, and pulling up the policyholder data that enabled the incantation to work.
“Insurance fraud,” she said, and can almost hear teeth sharpening on the other end of the line. She gives him the name, the address, the policy number. “Someone needs some mayhem.”
“That’s my name,” the man says.
She smiles. “Someone needs all the mayhem.”
He chuckles. Slow. Evil. Even with the echoes of demonic laughter ringing in her ears, she’s impressed. “Don’t worry,” he says, almost purring.
“You’re in good hands.”
OH MY FUCKING GOD I just read insurance commercial fan fiction and it was so good, bless you, I’m going to remember this day forever.
(via starlitskvader)
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i saw a tumblr post about 5d chess on instagram and made..this.
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Tumblr staff: ten options is enough for polls, right? No one needs more than that on a regular basis.
The average tumblr user: Hey guys which element of the periodic table do you think is the most fuckable?
Posting hole
Lol
Second most fuckable is silicon
(via kermakatti)
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m4ge:
a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut
- kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes
- text your landlord
- remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response
- briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada
- remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states
- look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”
- remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you
- enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday
- order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.
- exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.
- return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open
- back up
- ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead
- release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it
- you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways
- the door swings open
- run up the stairs
- open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat
- cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home
- write tumblr post
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(source)
i’d like to point out that when i made this post, all of these comments were at the top, but now if you look at the thread they’ve been replaced by completely different comments
so please, for the love of god, look at the source link this thread is a neverending source of entertainment. people have added so much fucking shit since i made this
I was proctoring an exam for a student today while reading these, and I had to stop because I got to this one and almost fucking died
these are making my day
Okay, this one’s killing me:
These ones got me:
Ooohhh noo I can’t breathe and there are literal tears streaming down my face
Have a very, VERY good laugh people
this post is missing the BEST ONE:
Sleep deprivation is a HELL of a drug isn’t it
(via last-haven)
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Crow Time - Statue 1
Please like, comment, follow!
It brings me joy! It validates my bird obsession!
(via lowat-golden-tower)
